| Mythological Locations A to Z: CHRISTMAS BONUS |
[Dec. 25th, 2005|11:28 am] |
Mythological Locations A to Z: CHRISTMAS BONUS
There's a way in to the Hollow Earth. It's a hole in the polar icecap somewhere North of Baffin Island. The seas thunder into the whole constantly, but a canny pilot can maneuver a ship through the gravity planes. Some called it Pellucidar, others Skataris, but its true name is unknown except to its diminutive inhabitants and their gargantuan ruler.
Zunto Kloss rules with an iron fist, forcing the tiny Alfar to labor in his dark Satanic mills. Time was, he made wooden toys and shipped them all over the world, but these days, Kloss makes a profit, making munitions and cheap plastic gimcracks. The munitions are sold through middlemen to Palestinian terrorists, Tamil separatists and remnants of the Kmer Rouge. The gimcracks are put in gum and candy machines around the world.
The Alfar chafe under Kloss' rule, and have formed an underground organization to overthrow his rule. They have been stockpiling guns and explosives, and shall soon rise up against their oppressor.
When the time comes, you will know. Be ready. |
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| Mythological Locations A to Z: Z is for Zanzibar |
[Dec. 25th, 2005|06:22 am] |
Mythological Locations A to Z: Z is for Zanzibar
"Zayn Z'al Barr" - Fair is this land - none dispute that. The galleys of Rome and Carthage dock here without disputes, Athenian freemen mingle with Median and Assyrian slave drivers in the markets and taverns. Just inland are the jungles, where innumerable spices are harvested. Cinnamon, nutmeg and pepper are most commonly sold, but if you know the right people and ask in the right places, you may be able to purchase the juice of the red poppy or the black lotus.
Sinbad called this port home, and John de Mandeville stopped over here on his way to the kingdom of Prester John.
The modern tourist will not find the right part of town - to his eye, it is a run-down, third-world-verging-on-second port. To the true traveller though, to one with magic in her heart and the eyes of a child; the open sewer mains, the tattered Coca-Cola advertisements, the throbbing European pop emanating from the dance clubs, those all fade and the true Zanzibar stands before them.
I was there once, as a young man. I stood at the gangplank of a teak-hulled galley and haggled with a man that claimed to be able to take me to the court of Haroun al-Rashid. As we prepared to close the deal, though, I was seized by worry - would I be back in time to start college? Would I be stranded in a strange port with no money? As the doubts mounted, I found myself standing in an empty alley talking to a blank wall.
I've heard that every traveller gets one chance to sail from Zanzibar, that if that chance is passed up they cannot return. I've also heard that once in a thousand years, the Gods give the truly repentant a second chance.
I pray the second is true, but I fear it is the first.
Still, I walk the crooked side streets of Zanzibar and I hope. For fifty years, I've hoped. It's all I have left, and it's almost - but not quite - enough. |
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| Mythological Locations A to Z: Y is for Yuggoth |
[Dec. 24th, 2005|08:48 am] |
Mythological Locations A to Z: Y is for Yuggoth
When the research team set up base on Pluto, there was much discussion as to what to call the station. After several inconclusive votes (in which Elysium, Hades, Gehenna and Jotunheim were eventually ruled out), the name "Yuggoth Station" finally emerged as a compromise vote.
It should come as no surprise, of course, that the base was eventually depopulated by an out-of-control fungoid growth. Athlete's Foot is a real bitch in low-G, oxygen-rich environments. Fungi from Yuggoth, indeed.
Life's a bitch, ain't it? |
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| Mythological Locations A to Z: X is for Xanadu |
[Dec. 23rd, 2005|09:16 am] |
Mythological Locations A to Z: X is for Xanadu
In Xanadu did Kubla Khan
A stately pleasure-dome decree :
Where Alph, the sacred river, ran
Through caverns measureless to man
Down to a sunless sea.
So twice five miles of fertile ground
With walls and towers were girdled round :
And there were gardens bright with sinuous rills,
Where blossomed many an incense-bearing tree ;
And here were forests ancient as the hills,
Enfolding sunny spots of greenery.
Unfortunately, Kubla Khan did not decree that his architects file their designs and construction plans in advance with City Hall, nor did he decree that they check for underground facilities before excavating the foundations. No one checked to make sure the building was up to code, no one made sure the building didn't cross any utility easements, the TPS reports did not have cover pages, and were, in fact, never written.
In short, then, Kubla Khan might've known about wanting stately pleasure domes, but he knew jack shit about getting them built without pissing off the bureaucrats. |
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| Mythological Locations A to Z: W is for Walachia |
[Dec. 22nd, 2005|06:46 am] |
Mythological Locations A to Z: W is for Walachia
Vlad Tepes was one bad motherfucker. Hard core, you dig? I mean, nailing turbans to some dudes' heads 'case they wouldn't take 'em off? The whole impaling thing? Hard. Fuckin'. Core. He wasn't a vampire, though - not the "I vant to drink your bloooood!" kind, at least. Vlad Tepes thrived on pain.
When Caecescu started going to town in Romania, Vlad poked his head out of his coffin and took a look around. Dude liked what he saw, and then he heard about Adolf and ol' Uncle Joe, an' got all pissed off 'cause he missed the good shit. Yeah, Rwanda was kind of a turn-on, and Bosnia/Croatia/Kosovo kept him cheery for a good long while. Still, it wasn't looking good for ol Vlad in the Jollies Department.
He's keepin' an eye on the shit we got goin' down in Iraq and Afghanistan and even here in the states, though. That shows some real promise. He made a few calls, not easy when you're calling from an unmarked grave in a backwater part of Romania, but he finally got through. Dick Cheney finally took his call, and Vlad pulled some strings and hooked him up with an old Soviet base in Romania.
Vlad's got a new job now, and he's liking it a lot. It's a lot more hands-on than his old work, and there's plenty of room to work his way to the top. Plenty of room, especially since Scooter's out of the way now. |
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| Mythological Locations A to Z: V is for Vanaheim |
[Dec. 21st, 2005|06:23 am] |
Mythological Locations A to Z: V is for Vanaheim
A small car drove along a branch on a tree, swerving to miss a large squirrel. The driver honked, then waved as he passed. "Ratatosk hasn't changed much."
His passenger giggled. "I wonder what Vanaheim is like now."
"Probably strip malls and fast food places, if they get around here like they do in Midgard." They drove in silence for a while. "Are you sure you want to do this?"
"I want to see home before it's too late." She reached out, touched his hand. His grip on the wheel eased, blood returning to his knuckles.
He smiled, reached over to stroke her golden hair. "Here's the turn."
The car coasted to a stop at the top of a rise. Below them was home. Green fields, just as they remembered them, the longhouses low and golden-roofed. In front of them, a horseman blocked the road. "Hold!"
Freyr rolled down his window. "Is that any way to treat the returning prodigals, Lýtir?"
The mounted man leapt off his horse. "Freyr! Freyja! Where have you been? What have you been doing?"
"Oh, here and there, this and that. You've noticed the worship got a little thin on the ground - for a couple of centuries, we didn't have the energy to leave, but some enterprising mortal developed 'moving pictures' and we found a way to eat again." Freyr's face grew long. "Which is part of why we're back now." He pointed to his sister.
"By the horn of Heimdall! What happened?"
"It's a little something she picked up doing a movie. She's been wasting away, but can't die down there, of course. So I brought her home one last time."
"Is it..."
"No. Not unless you're... intimate... with her." Freyr smiled grimly.
Later, in a bed placed outside a longhouse, Freyja lay in the sun. Freyr closed her eyes and smoothed her long golden hair. "Sleep well, dear sister. You gave the mortals all you could give them. Sleep, beautiful one." He kissed her cheek and walked away from the bier. |
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| Mythological Locations A to Z: U is for Ultima Thule |
[Dec. 20th, 2005|07:10 am] |
Mythological Locations A to Z: U is for Ultima Thule
Ultima Thule is real - just go north from the island of Svalbard until the ocean drops off into the hollow earth. In 1820, Victor Frankenstein's body was carried there by his creation. Once there, Adam was accepted by the natives, and made their king.
In 1935, a team of Waffen-SS researchers made their way in, searching for the fabled homeland of the Aryan race. Adam tore them to pieces and hand-delivered their remains to Heinrich Himmler with a stern warning to stay away from Ultima Thule.
Himmler focused his attentions on Tibet after that. |
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| Mythological Locations A to Z: T is for Troy |
[Dec. 19th, 2005|06:39 am] |
Mythological Locations A to Z: T is for Troy
Poets today still sing of the glory of the Trojan War, how wise Priam bound Odysseus and Achilles with promises and gifts so that they stayed home while Agamemnon and Menelaus led their army to the plains of Troy. Things might have gone differently had Paris not cut the Golden Apple into three pieces, giving one to each of the goddesses, praising them each for their individual and singular beauty. Aphrodite's gift was the love of Helen of Sparta, Athena gave Paris martial wisdom and power for his war with Menelaus and Hera ensured that once the war was over, Paris was the undisputed heir to the throne of Priam. The Trojan Empire lasted only a few years past Paris' death, but its legacy of art and literature lives on.
Thinking with your brain will always get you further than thinking with your genitals |
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| Mythological Locations A to Z: S is for Shangri-La |
[Dec. 18th, 2005|06:18 am] |
Mythological Locations A to Z: S is for Shangri-La
The Shangri-La Music Festival promises to be a big one this year. Kurt Cobain and Buddy Holly have been working together for months, and have mentioned they'll be debuting a new song in their first set. Jim Morrison will not be singing this year, but he will do a reading from his latest book of poetry.
Janis Joplin will open the show, and John Lennon will be doing a special acoustic set after midnight on Saturday. We can also look forward to another of Jimi Hendrix' "All-night free-form guitar jam sessions", and Stevie Ray Vaughn has promised he'll play all the way through.
Tickets are available at the kiosk in the hidden valley that leads to Shangri-La, $90 per day or $400 for the entire week. No credit cards accepted - cash only.
Special note: No mortals that have not achieved spiritual perfection will be allowed entrance to the Shangri-La Music Festival. Gatepersons will be checking and those attempting unauthorized entrance to Shangri-La will be dealt with.
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| Mythological Locations A to Z: R is for Rennes-le-Château |
[Dec. 17th, 2005|07:29 am] |
Mythological Locations A to Z: R is for Rennes-le-Château
Father Saunière did, in fact, find something in that hollowed out pillar in his church. It was not a geneological chart of the family of Jesus and Mary Magdalene, nor was it Templar secrets of Geomancy, and it had absolutely nothing to do with lost Cathar Gold.
I am not at liberty to say what it was, save to mention that it wasn't until Ronald Reagan revealed the secrets of Saunière to Gorbachev that the Soviet Union collapsed.
Osama bin Laden knows The Secret, and it drove him into a murderous madness. George Bush does not know it, but Condi Rice does.
Any attentions being paid by the United States Navy to the area of 35º39'13.68S 102º07'41.41W have nothing to do with The Secret, nor do the French government's atomic tests in the same area. There is nothing to see here. Move along. |
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| Mythological Locations A to Z: Q is for the Qattara Depression |
[Dec. 16th, 2005|07:06 am] |
Mythological Locations A to Z: Q is for the Qattara Depression
Deep in the center of the Qattara Depression, It waits. The Bedouins know of It, but do not speak. They do not stay overlong in the oasis at Maghra, and if one of them goes missing, they do not search - they utter a prayer to Allah the all-protecting and ride away, quickly.
Someday, It knows that the Depression will fill with water again. Climates change, engineers develop grandiose and foolish plans, and It will be flooded with life-giving water and It will rise again to dominate the mortals It depends upon for food.
The Tuaregs, however, are ready. They have been preparing for the return of their ancient enemy, training a cadre of geological engineers in the arts of demolitions and black magic. When It arises - a matter of when, not if, the Tuareg will be ready. |
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| Mythological Locations A to Z: P is for Pompeii |
[Dec. 15th, 2005|06:12 am] |
Mythological Locations A to Z: P is for Pompeii
Pompeii is a fake. A sham. A put-up job. It never existed. It was laboriously filled in by hand, seeded with bones and carefully carved hollows to represent bodies supposedly entombed by the volcanic ash.
History does not extend further back than 564 A.D. At least, the history we accept as real does not. Sir Balin's Dolorous Stroke sundered the world the Fisher King had constructed and those wise men left had to piece a history together by consensus. The resulting patchwork has been retrofitted to match what the council of the wise has agreed to.
When false Roman records referencing the destruction of Pompeii were brought to the attention of the Council, they sprang into action, excavating the entire area of Pompeii and Herculaneum and building ruins, mosaics and roads, then carrying in load after load of ash, earth and stone to allow archaeologists to "discover" these forgotten cities.
Egypt, though - Egypt is true. You can trust me on this one. |
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| Mythological Locations A to Z: O is for Oz |
[Dec. 14th, 2005|06:32 am] |
Mythological Locations A to Z: O is for Oz
We were somewhere around Munchkinland, on the edge of the forest, when the drugs began to take hold. I remember saying something like, "I don't think we're in Kansas anymore. Maybe you should drive, Toto." Suddenly, there was a terrible roar all around us, and the sky was full with what looked like huge monkeys, all swooping and screeching and diving around the car, and a voice was screaming: "Fly, my pretties! Fly! Fly!"
We had a bushel basket of poppies, a crate of high-grade mescaline lollipops, a thimble of pixie dust and a pile of bright, cherry-colored magic candies. Not that we needed it for the trip, but when you go Over The Rainbow, you've got to shove it into overdrive. The only thing that worried me was the pixie dust. There aren't many things more terrifying and disturbing than a Kansas girl hopped up to the gills on pixie dust, and I could hear it calling my name from the back of the car.
From: Fear and Loathing in the Emerald City, by Dorothy S. Gale
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| Mythological Locations A to Z: N is for Nemedia |
[Dec. 13th, 2005|06:22 am] |
Mythological Locations A to Z: N is for Nemedia
Archaeologists from the Univeristy of Texas have recently unearthed relics of fabled Nemedia outside Warsaw, Poland. Keen students of Hyborian history will, of course, recognize Nemedia as the rival of Aquilonia during the reign of King Conan.
One is amazed to think that, without the efforts of noted historian Robert Howard of the University of Texas, none of this history would be known to us.
Beginning with his 1932 paper entitled "The Phoenix on the Sword: Advanced Prehistoric Civilizations in the Archaeological Record", Dr. Howard ignited a firestorm of controversy. His subsequent monographs detailing the relevance of the Glozel relics to his thesis of prehistoric civilizations destroyed by massive continental upheavals furthered the uproar, but all of that was forgotten when he found the tomb of the sorceror-king Thoth-Amon beneath the sands of Egypt.
Dr. L. Sprague DeCamp, NYU's Professor Emeritus of Hyborian Studies, stated that "The discovery of Nemedia's capital shows that Dr. Howard was, truly, a visionary researcher."
The relics discovered, and others, are expected to be showcased at the Smithsonian Institution's exhibit next year "The Age of Amra: The History Before History" |
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| Mythological Locations A to Z: M is for Metropolis |
[Dec. 12th, 2005|05:36 am] |
Mythological Locations A to Z: M is for Metropolis
Freder and Maria looked down on the city. Freder's father Joh had, at Freder's urging, negotiated a truce with Grot and his workers. Metropolis was saved.
"My love, you have succeeded!" Maria clasped herself to him, her breath on his neck sending a shiver down his spine. "You are The Mediator, as was foretold."
"Dearest Maria, when I saw the Workers burning that robot, I thought it was you. I would have killed myself had you not escaped Rotwang."
"I know, Freder." She placed her fingers on his lips. "Shhhh." She drew him into their chambers and shut the balcony door. As the door shut, she removed her gown, and Freder saw the gleaming metal of her torso, revealed in all its glory.
His eyes widened in horror as he realized the truth.
Maria smiled and took him in her arms. "Soon, love, soon we will replace this soft container for your spirit, and you shall be as I am - smooth, hard and uncorruptible."
No one heard Freder's screams. |
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| Mythological Locations A to Z: L is for Libertatia |
[Dec. 11th, 2005|05:58 am] |
Mythological Locations A to Z: L is for Libertatia
The pirate republic of Libertatia did not die. The physical space it occupied was destroyed, but its spirit, its soul, lives on.
As the black fleet controlled by the Illuminati closed in, Captain Tew and Father Caraccioli dispersed the citizens, urging them to go underground, to spread their love of freedom and hatred of authority.
The American Revolution was Libertatian, as was the French. The Cubist revolt was inspired by a Libertatian, and Pablo Picasso was one of their brightest lights. Rock'n'roll? Libertatian. The Summer of Love, punk rock and Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas. Yep.
Why am I telling you this?
Because I want to wake you up. You, and everyone else in the world, need to know that we have it within us to throw off the chains holding us down.
Smash the cubicle walls! Throw your TV out the window! Punch your manager in the face!
It's not too late to rebuild Libertatia, to give the world once again a shining beacon of freedom and self-reliance.
I'll be right there with you, just as soon as Survivor is over. |
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| Mythological Locations A to Z: K is for King Solomon's Mines |
[Dec. 10th, 2005|07:50 am] |
Mythological Locations A to Z: K is for King Solomon's Mines
There I was, standing in front of the legendary diamond mine of King Solomon. Funny, I figured it'd be larger. It had taken my brother years of effort to decipher ancient documents and the journey here, to the Mountains of the Moon, had been so dangerous that the rest of our party had given up and Al had died, the victim of a couple of stray bullets during a gunfight.
Too bad for Al, that, but he shouldn't have walked in front of me like that.
He'd tried to tell me something, but with that sucking chest wound, all I could make out was, "...seal of Solomon... open", and then he died.
The entrance was about a meter square, roughly cut. It was blocked by a stone, which rolled aside easily. The painted and carved masonry was a little harder, and then I was in. A cloud of dank air rushed out, and with it a pillar of smoke topped by a man's torso.
"You have freed me, mortal! For that, I thank you!"
I knew how this went - I'd seen enough Sinbad movies. "Yep. Now you owe me three wishes, pal."
The genie laughed. "Three wishes - is that all? Have four! Wish away!"
"Feelin' generous, are you? OK, Pal. First I want, oh, let's say 10 billion dollars - tax free and legal, in a bank account in the Caymans."
"Very well."
"Second, I want to be immune from prosecution for any crimes, past, present or future."
"Easy enough. It is so."
"Next, I want to be eternally young and healthy."
"Done. I threw in virile, as well."
"Thnks. Lastly, I'm feeling whimsical. I want you to make sure Sylvester Stallone never makes another movie. Ever."
"As you command, so shall it be." With a wave of his hand, the genie made it happen.
I know three of the wishes came true, so I'm gonna trust that the genie took care of the money, too. Too bad I can't spend it. Hell, I just wish Sly wouldn't take up so much of this damn cave.
Sure is dark. Wonder if I'll have to wait a couple thousand years to get out. |
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| Mythological Locations A to Z: J is for Joyeuse Garde |
[Dec. 9th, 2005|02:05 am] |
Mythological Locations A to Z: J is for Joyeuse Garde
Joyeuse Garde was the premiere swinging bachelor pad of its day. Dragon-skin rugs, a bed stuffed with down, a privy with walls and a ceiling... Lancelot du Lac knew what he liked, and he didn't care who knew it.
With his trusty squire Wopsy, he rode the land, rescuing damsels and righting wrongs in the name of King Arthur. Is it any wonder Guenevire got the hots for him?
As the saying went, she wasn't someone you'd kick out of bed for eating crackers.
Besides, if Arthur wasn't willing or able to get a good freak on in the Royal Bedchambers, someone had to take care of business. If you know what I mean. |
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| Mythological Locations A to Z: I is for Iram of the Pillars |
[Dec. 8th, 2005|08:22 am] |
Mythological Locations A to Z: I is for Iram of the Pillars
The streets of many-pillared Iram were not paved with gold, nor were the houses built with bricks of emerald or jade. The kings of Iram were nonetheless proud of their garden in the desert, and boasted that the Rub' al Khali, though almost empty, had the most beautiful city in the world.
Allah heard their boasting and looked upon them, and saw their manifold sins. Sins of the flesh, and worse, sins of the spirit. When the King of Iram proclaimed that Paradise fell short of the prefection of Irem, Allah grew wroth and punished Iram for its pride.
The sands rose up and overwhelmed Iram, and all that lived there perished.
The streets of Iram are silent now, home to foxes and wild desert djinn. They weave through the rows of columns and mockingly bow before the statue of the last king of Iram. |
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| Mythological Locations A to Z: H is for Hy Braesil |
[Dec. 7th, 2005|11:49 am] |
Mythological Locations A to Z: H is for Hy Braesil
Hy Braesil's first McDonalds was a big deal. The Clown's corporate negotiators had fought hard to be the first ones in, and they won. The locals learned too late why they should have avoided joining the WTO.
Within 3 years, Hy Braesil was home to 12 McDonalds, 18 KFC franchises and a Best Buy.
When Carnival Cruises bought docking rights, the immortal residents of Hy Braesil gave up in disgust and left en masse for Boca Raton, FL, which is now visible only one day every seven years. The retirees of Boca are happy to be immortal, even Mrs. Ethyl Rosenberg, though her lumbago bothers her from time to time. |
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